Still {Alive}

So, I did it. I took the plunge and joined a women's gym. Notice my shoes . . . my nice, new, clean shoes. Isn't it great to have new shoes? Only thing is, I bought them . . . are you ready for this? In January . . . of 2007!! Why are they clean you might ask? Because I've worn them a hand full of times. Seriously?! Time to break them in! I ran one mile and it took me 11 minutes, 50 seconds. And one more thing, it just about killed me. How do people think running is fun?! I'm really praying that it gets easier. Everyone says it does, and Wade laughs at me over thinking that the 5K we're going to run in 4 weeks is going to be hard. So we'll see. I really would love to enjoy it and be a "runner," but if it's this hard all the time, I'm not sure that I'll be able to stick with it. I did a couple other things . . . started a push up challenge, worked my skinny calves a little bit and hung out in a tanning bed for a few minutes, but that was it. I plan on going most days and getting better at running longer distances, and wearing these shoes out!

{Owning} it!

I've been stuck. For a year. Pathetic. I thought I wasn't . . . that I had "gotten over" {whatever that means} my slump after Charish passed away . . . but no. I keep catching myself in hysterics over the littlest things. The other day Charlise got a gift bag out of my wrapping box that Charish had given Hannah a gift in {that's right, I'm a re-bagger} and I about lost it because she wrinkled it. What?! So stupid that I'm still trying to hold onto anything I possibly can that even remotely has to do with her in some way. I'm in a different place than I was a year ago . . . the pain isn't so breathtaking . . . but I am still unbelievable broken. I think about her and my stomach gets in knots and my eyes well up. Can't WAIT to think about her and smile. Sometimes I do . . . especially if the girls bring her up. I try to keep things light with them and let them have their moment without me dramatizing it . . . but mostly I just get that empty feeling.

So . . . what to do about it . . .

I've been thinking a lot about things I want to improve about myself. New Years always does that to me. And the main thing I came up with . . . I have GOT to start owning things about myself . . . everything! No matter how hard life can be. I have had a lot of trials in my life . . . a lot of things that have been extremely difficult to overcome. So the way that I "deal" with them . . . I smile and pretend that I'm over them and move on. What I've learned recently is that I'm far from "over" the things that have happened to me. I. have. to. own them so that I can deal with them and move on the right way! And I know, without a single doubt, that once I get the Spirit back in my life all the way I can prayerfully deal with some old issues and be ready to tackle the new ones that are undeniably going to come.

So here we go . . . my resolutions {I know, I month late . . . but they HAVE been on my mind, just never actually wrote them down}:

1. BACK TO THE BASICS!!! Prayer, scripture study, FHE . . . all of it. How hard is that?! So easy, but I seem to make it hard. Weird.

2. Get in shape! It's been a long time since I've felt good inside . . . I mean like, going up the stairs and not getting winded, good. I'm what I call a "skinny fat girl". Can't wait to improve on this! 

3. Run a 5K. Already committed to one on March 5th . . . great way to turn 31 . . . checking off a resolution!

4. Run a half marathon . . . if I don't die trying to run the 5K.

5. Draw at least one piece a month.

6. Get in touch with my loved ones, even the ones I feel like I'm somewhat in "touch" with. Last year I made this resolution after my grandmother died . . . before Charish died . . . and just never did it. 

7. Spend more time playing with the girls and less time griping at them. I truly believe that a family who plays together, stays together.

8. Open an Etsy shop to sell some handmade things.

9. Get my personal blog and my craft blog back up and running.

10. Take more pictures and video of everything. I really wish my parents had done this . . . so while I'm doing it for myself, ultimately I'm doing it for my posterity. 

11. Come what may, and LOVE it!!

Okay.

I think that's enough. And I think the best time to start is right now. Going to join a gym and start working out in the morning. Wish me luck!!

Porter 2 Months!

{Wednesday} February 2, 2011

Porter will be 2 months old tomorrow. He's growing SO fast and has become quite the chubby little guy. He's such a sweetheart . . . loves to snuggle, and can go all day in his Moby wrap {the sling I'm wearing in the picture}. I love this wrap . . . I can do most of the stuff I need to do even when he's cranky and my back almost never hurts from it! Such a great buy.

Check out those chubby cheeks! They're SO kissable! Love love LOVE this boy!

Smiling in his sleep. I like to think he's dreaming of his Aunt Charish . . .

His cute little mohawk. I love having a boy . . . it has always been a blast having girls, but it's a really fun change. Happy 2 month birthday Mr. Squishy!! We love you big guy!

Fun Night with Great {Friends}

{Friday} January 7, 2011

We have been extremely lucky to find amazing friends everywhere we move. I personally feel so blessed for this because I have scored so many great friends in my life who have all had such an enormous impact on me.

We moved to San Diego shortly after another family in our ward, Kelly & Holly Wallins, and their cute girls, Brinna, Laci, and new baby Khloe . . . and lucky for me, they live just a few houses down the street. And their two oldest girls are the same-ish ages as Reha and Charly . . . so it has been really fun getting to know them.

Last Friday night we were invited over for a fun night . . . the girls all watched Despicable Me while the adults played games. It was such a fun night . . . we all had a blast.

The girls watching their movie and eating treats. By the way . . . I've never seen them sit so still for so long before. Mir. a. cle. haha

Holly with Mr. Squishy. Porter is already scoring the pretty girls.

And some highlights of our game night. Notice I embarrass everyone but myself . . . the beauty of being the photographer.

So to Holly, thank you for being such a great friend. I have only known you for a few months but you have already proven to be a genuinely amazing friend. Your uplifting notes, flowers, dinners, bundt cake . . . all of your awesomeness . . . has made this "time" {the anniversary of losing my sister} for me so much brighter. So thank you. I truly think you're an amazing woman. You have inspired me to be a better person. Love you lady!

Drawing {1} . . . Porter William

So, I have never been successful at keeping a New Years resolution . . . pathetic, I know. This year I didn't make it too easy on myself to keep all of them, but I really want to see how long I can go on this one. I really love to draw. It's something that I used to do quite a bit of, but recently . . . like the last 7 years or so . . . I haven't done much {if any} of it, so I really wanted to dust off the colored pencils and try my hand at it again. I plan on doing one drawing a week . . . daunting after completing this one and realizing how much time it takes . . . but nonetheless it's something that I really want to do . . . a year long project if you will. I'm hoping by the end of the year that I'll be better at it and can do it faster . . . silly, but I don't have a whole lot of talents so this year I plan on working on the one's I do have. I'm going to try to draw something that has to do with the week, so this week I decided to draw Porter since our big event of this week was his baby blessing.

So here it is . . . not the best picture of it, but you get the hint. One thing that I h.a.t.e about it . . . the fact that I was so slow and careful drawing it, and when I finally finished I was careless about signing it. 

Stupid.

It's way too big and dark and stands out way too much. So from now on I plan on a simple initial in the corner in pencil. Urg. Lesson learned . . . moving forward. ha

A {Year} Later . . .

{Wednesday} January 5, 2011

 

It's completely shocking to me that it's already been a year since I have seen that cute face of yours. A year since {this} torturous week. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions that have filled my life since you so quickly and without warning left us. There have been many nights filled with tears, disbelief and anger. Even moments out of the blue where tears have uncontrollably flowed . . . usually at inconvenient times, like the dinner table (if the girls see me cry, they cry . . . so you can imagine how that dinner was . . . poor Wade trying to console a bunch of weeping girls . . . ha) but those nights are few now and I can more easily enjoy the plethora of memories that fill me. The girls & I laugh about how funny you were all the time . . . I am in awe of how healing moments like those have been. But, oh, what I would give for just one more moment with you. I miss your sense of humor, your perfect smile . . . I even miss your trade mark mole! How retarded is that?! I remember, like it was literally yesterday, taking your face in my hands, putting my forehead to yours, and studying you knowing that it wouldn't be long until I wouldn't ever have that opportunity to look at you again in this life. And I couldn't stop stroking your eyebrow and that stupid mole! But most of all I miss that contagious laugh of yours. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine times with you and I can almost hear you laugh . . . I love that. What I love most is when I dream of you. They're SO real and I have come to believe that they're more than dreams . . . that you really are visiting me. The first one I had was a year ago tonight . . . the night we all stood around your bed and let you go. I dreamed that we were in Live Oak Park. I saw you, and in my dream I knew that we had let you go, but you were there. I was so confused but SO happy. I ran up to you and kept saying, "You're okay?! You're okay?!" and you looked at me with those breathtaking eyes and said, "Of course I'm okay." It wasn't long after you said that that I woke up. I was. so. mad! It was SO real, and really believed for a moment that you were okay, so to wake up from that moment of bliss was complete torture. It was like I lost you all over again. But as I lay there that night thinking about it, I came to realize . . . with the help of God I'm convinced . . . that that was your way of letting me know that you are okay, that I didn't need to worry about you or be sad for you, because you. are. fine. I've since had a few more dreams like that . . . all different, but with the same feelings of bliss. I don't wake up angry any more, instead I wake up overjoyed to have had the opportunity to "see" you and hug you again. I miss you so bad that my body aches sometimes. It was hard going through my pregnancy and having Porter knowing that you wouldn't be coming to visit your new nephew . . . your only nephew . . . and it made me sad for him that he wouldn't have the unique thrill of knowing you. It's nice to think that you were together for a brief while after you entered Heaven and before he left. I love looking at Porter and wondering what kind of interaction you two had. I like to think that you're with him constantly and that's why he's always giggling in his sleep. I love you, Charish. Thank you for being with me so often. I feel you. I know you're here, and I love you for that. And while I know I'll see you again, I still selfishly wish you would just call me up and say, "What's up yo!?" That's all I want . . . but I will do my best to live my life for you. You filled my life with laughter and I'm so grateful to have so many funny/dorky memories of you! You, my precious big sister, are SO missed!! xoxoxo

Porter's {Blessing} Day

{Sunday} January 2, 2011

This morning started out great. Porter & I went to church for the first time since he was born (which alone was nice) and his amazing daddy gave him such a beautifully touching blessing. I've never heard any baby blessing be so sweet. The part that stands out to me the most is when he said that Porter was sent to heal me from the heartache of losing Charish. I've never thought of it that way, but it's so true. He has filled that ugly, gaping hole that has been taking over my heart for the last 12 months. Most of the family who lives close was able to come and be a part of his special day. The priesthood holders who stood with Wade in the circle were Bill, Rick, Paul, Bryce, and our good friend, Aaron Evans. Afterwards everyone (along with our friends, Chris & Shelly Sanchez) came to our house and had munchies for lunch and visited while the kids ran around and got their crazies out.

Even in the midst of such a great day, I can't help but be a little heavy. It's just another "first" for me without Charish. I'm running out of firsts and I couldn't be more happy that I wont have to deal with too many more. Firsts suck. There's just that empty feeling, like she should be here but she's not . . . but then when I sit back quietly and think about her I know she really is here . . . I just selfishly want to have things the way they were. Okay, enough whining. It's crazy to me to think about where we were a year ago today. We got "the" phone call the night before and this day when I got to the hospital I was told that she wasn't going to make it. Out of all of the days that engulfed that hellish week, this was the worst . . . even harder than the day that we actually stood by her bed and let her go. I guess the days that followed this one prepared me for that . . . nothing could prepare me to be shocked into the realization that I would never see my sister alive again (being on life support didn't count). And now look where the year has taken us! We just had a blissful day celebrating our sweet new baby. What a serious 180! I feel so blessed and completely overjoyed to have this sweet "healer" come into my life. I absolutely needed him.