{Tuesday} February 22, 2010

Last night was LONG

I swear some nights I feel like the pain of losing my only sister is destroying me.

In that dark loneliness of the middle of the night

and in the midst of the nauseating emptiness, I feel like the pain is going to swallow me alive . . . 

sometimes I wish it would so I could see her again.

But then I remember that I WILL see her again

and then as quick as that thought comes . . . 

I get sucked back into my emptiness . . .

I selfishly need her here

and I often wish that I wasn't so young and that I didn't have a long life ahead of me

to live without her

But I know that when this life is over I will get to squeeze her again . . . forever.

That's all I'm grasping onto right now

. . . and believe me, the grasp is tight.

{Sunday} February 21, 2010

Today we opened our first letter from a recipient who got one of Charish's organs. Her name is Gracie and she got one of Charish's kidneys. It's such an amazing thing to actually see and learn about this real person who has the chance to live a long and full life because of my sister. It changes everything for me to actually "meet" someone who has been so affected by our terrible loss and to know that so much is looking up for her. We are going to set up a time to meet her in person . . . I can't wait. From her letter she seems like a really great woman.

{Aunt} Jenn

Jenn came over to have dinner with us and Jason's family tonight. My girl's are head over heals for this girl . . . love that she's in our lives.

{Saturday} February 20, 2010

Seeing as we decided to "girl it up" this weekend, we couldn't go without shoe shopping. Chloe LOVED these shoes, and my girls needed shoes for their Easter dresses, so they all got the same one's. It was a long process and ended in a fat fit, but once we got home everyone was happy.

And yes, I'm fully aware that the picture is blurry . . . I had to move fast because the battery was this close {holding my fingers up like I'm going to pinch a hair} to dying. Give a chick a break.

{Friday} February 19, 2010

We had a really fun day today. Chloe, Charlise & I went to the Spectrum to ride the ferris wheel, but . . . of course . . . it was closed, so luckily one of Chloe's favorite things to do is ride the carousel because that's all that was left to do. We only stayed for a little while then went to park day to play for a bit before meeting Amber & Kristi for lunch at Chick-fil-A. When the girls got home from school we headed straight over to Pretend City Children's Museum to play for a couple hours. They had a blast and we ended up getting a year pass so we can go back as often as we want. Now . . . we're all exhausted and the two little one's are cranky from being out all day. Looks like it will be an early movie night/bed time.

So great to have Chloe here . . . we're having a blast.

More Pictures of Our {FUN} Day

{Thursday} February 18, 2010

I picked up Chloe from preschool today and brought her home so she could spend the weekend with us. I was planning on finishing all three of the kid's blankets before giving any of them, but plans changed . . .

 I've been working on Chloe's, so it was folded on the arm of the couch. She noticed it and saw that it had a picture of her with her mom on it, and she flashed that beautiful smile at me. So of course I laid it out on the floor so she could see all of the pictures. We talked about all of them and she pointed out Charish in them . . . a few times she kept her finger on her mom . . . so sweet. She just laid down on it and stared at the pictures, all the time keeping a sweet smile on her face. I'm SO glad that she loves it. 

We are going to have a blast this weekend. I have such a deep love for this girl . . . so glad I get to spend so much time with her.

{Sunday} February 14, 2010

Happy HEART Day!!

I took this picture of the girls to make a card for Wade that was GOING to say,

"We're CRAZY in love with you!"

Unfortunately I haven't really been into doing anything crafty lately . . . but at least I took the picture, right!? ha

{Friday} February 12, 2010

I know . . . you can say it . . . I'm a total slacker. I keep on thinking that I need to get on and post pictures, but . . . no. Not sure that anyone is following my venting, but if you are . . . sorry for being gone for a few days. ;)

. . . . . . .

This post is about my new friend, Natalie. We met through tragedy . . . unfortunately {for the tragedy part. Couldn't be more grateful for her friendship}. She and her family were tearfully praying over her 8 week old son, Gavin, the same time we were tearfully praying over Charish. Gavin {sadly, but peacefully} passed away on Jan. 7, just two days after Charish passed away. 

I was introduced to her blog by a friend of a friend, just someone who had heard of Charish's story on Facebook, and I'm so grateful that she thought of me when reading Natalie's blog.

The first time I went to her blog this is the post I read: 

prayers of faith

http://www.natalienortonphoto.com/2010/01/prayers-of-faith.html

My heart. broke. for her. I can't imagine going through what I went through with my sister, and it being my new sweet baby. What I LOVE about Natalie is that she is amazingly faithful and uplifting, even in the midst of one of the most horrible pains you can go through in this life. She is such an inspiration to so many people! I've been following her blog and have gained an extreme amount of strength through her words. I am in awe of her strength and have been striving to find that peace within my own heart.

A few days ago she posted something that I thought was so great. I asked if I could post it on my blog and she said it was okay. So . . . I hope you find the beauty in this like i did.

impossible . . . except it's not 

Have you ever watched a caterpillar

form a chrysalis?

. . .

emerge a butterfly?

It is miraculous.

The caterpillar,

somehow,

creates this tiny sack. . .

and I mean tiiiiiiiiny compared to the ginormity

of his caterpillar body.

he seals his LARGE body inside.

It seems physically impossible.

probably because it is.

physically impossible.

the chrysalis sits.

and sits.

and sits.

all alone.

forgotten.

subject to wind and rain

and all kinds of natural elements that would seek its destruction.

then one day, up you look.

and there,

is this absolutely beautiful butterfly.

perfect in every.way.

utterly impossible. . .

except that it's not.

______________________________

Reminds me of something. . .

compressed.

squashed by the realities that are unique to a fallen world.

feeling utterly alone.

then one day,

out of what seems like nowhere,

we'll emerge.

beautiful butterflies.

What an awesome God he is.

__________________________

Post edited to include this beautiful thought from the comments.

"once heard a story about a little girl who asked her mother, 

'Do caterpillars know that they'll become butterflies, 

or does God surprise them?'"

I definitely think he surprises us,

but what do I know?

. . . 

 I love you Natalie, and continue to keep you, your husband, and your 3 sweet boys in my prayers . . . 

for your continued peace that you so desperately need 

and in thanks to God for you blessing my life in such enormous ways. xo

{Tuesday} February 9, 2010

Had a rough night last night and a rough day today. Feeling a bit depressed . . . seems to be the story about now. 

Luckily I have some great friends. I went out to dinner with Amber tonight and it felt good to just get away for a bit and chat. I'm needing "girl time" even more now . . . missing Charish a LOT! Sometimes I wish we weren't so close because then I wouldn't hurt so friggin' bad, but then I wouldn't have all of the fun memories that make me laugh . . . then cry . . . but I love that I can laugh, even if it is for just a moment before the pain comes back.

When I got home I got a text from Ian telling me to check my email, so I did . . . and this is what I found:

We know that someone has gotten her eyes and a couple others have gotten other things, but these must be just the people that have actually been given another chance at life because of my awesome sister. I hope that I get to meet them all someday . . . we need to write them all letters and hopefully they will want to meet us too. 

Praying for some sleep tonight . . . come on Mr. Sandman . . . could use some help!! ;)

{Sunday} February 7, 2010

This morning we went to church with Paul & Becky, but after sacrament meeting Wade & I took Charlise home so she could get a nap. She fell asleep on Wade and ended up completely wrinkling his shirt . . . looked like he grabbed it off the floor and threw it on before church. Pretty WT. ha

After church we watched the Super Bowl, ate some good food, then played Settlers again. 

It was nice to have a fun weekend with family. This past month has really opened my eyes to how important spending time with the people you love is. I really hope that we'll be able to do more of this soon!! 

Last night at dinner we were talking and it came around to how "off" I've been spiritually. I told them about the one {yes one . . . better than none!} time that I have read my scriptures since Charish passed away. I realized that I never wrote anything about it . . . so now I will . . .

Last year {2009} I made a new years resolution that I would read and study every Sunday school lesson . . . I never really finished before the year was over, so when I pulled out my scriptures I decided that I would follow through with that goal and finish, even though the year is over. The lesson was about the pioneers and it had me read out of Our Heritage on page 78. This is what it said:

"A man who crossed the plains in the Martin handcart company lived in Utah for many years. One day he was in a group of people who began sharply criticizing the Church leaders for ever allowing the Saints to cross the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart company provided. The old man listened until he could stand no more; then he arose and said with great emotion: 

"I was in that company and my wife was in it. . . . We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? . . . [We] came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

"I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. . . . I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

"Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."

I vividly remember feeling this way, exactly. When the night came that we stood around Charish's hospital bed and let her go, I remember thinking that I had to stay busy and make her memorial something that she would be proud of . . . but all the while I had in the back of my mind that as I stay busy I can {emotionally} make it to the funeral, but knowing that that day would come and we would have to bury her just about killed me. I looked ahead and knew that I could "make it" to that point, but then I wouldn't know how to move forward. I didn't know how else I was going to live with the horrible pain of losing my life long best friend. How could I continue on while she is gone? I truly didn't know how I was going to do it. But the day came . . . and to be honest I was a walking mess. The day I got out my scriptures and read this was probably about a week after the funeral, and the spirit that I felt while reading gave me the push I needed and the realization that God will absolutely help me along if I allow him.

For some stupid reason, though, I'm not doing what I need to do. Spiritually I'm still a mess, and I know that I have to get back on track before I'm lost. I never thought I would be "that" kind of person who lost faith over something like this. Anytime I heard of someone who struggled like this I always thought, "Duh, isn't it so obvious?! Why would anyone NOT do what they KNOW will bring them peace?" So weird how hard it is to get back on track and to not doubt. It's about time that his girl gets on her knees!!

{Saturday} February 6, 2010

This morning Wade went to Poway to play disc golf with is brothers, so he was gone before we even got up. Reha had gymnastics and then we met up with Mari & Veronika . . . friends who have kids Hannah's age {both from Hannah's 1st grade class} and had lunch at Chick-fil-A. We used to go every Wednesday after school . . . I miss those days!!

After lunch we came home and packed our bags so that we could go down to Poway to spend the night at Paul & Becky's house. Becky, Kathie & I went out for dinner at Stir Fresh {I SO miss that place . . . good stuff!}. It was really great to have a girls night out without the kids. Then came home, put the girls in bed then played Settlers of Catan . . . I won . . . kidding, not even close. Wade won . . . as usual.

It took me forEVER to fall asleep again. I don't think I fell asleep until after 3am. I'm SO over not sleeping at night. It's just the norm these days . . . everyone asleep - mind turns to Charish . . . just how it goes, and I reallllly am over it. Having a rough time spiritually, which doesn't help either. I have GOT to get back in the habit of doing "the basics."

{Friday} February 5, 2010

It feels like it's been forever that I've seen this girl . . . it was SO good to see Tatia today and her sister, Angie & little girl Ella who is just 4 days older than Charlise. We went to CPK, and while the visit was cut short due to having to pick up Reha from school it totally made my day to catch up with them. Thanks for the visit! Love you girls!!

{Thursday} February 4, 2010

I heard something today that is SO very true.

"People don't change because of what they know. People change because of what they feel"

So so true, and it couldn't be more true for me right now. Everyone knows that people die . . . of course our loved ones will not be around forever and neither will we! But what do we do about it? Love deeper, live more fully? No. Not a thing . . . because it's like cancer or fatal car accidents . . . that happens to everyone else. Could never happen to me. 

I must say, if I was on the outside and heard Charish's story . . . a 35 year old woman who's heart suddenly gave out with no warning, stopped breathing and then wasn't found until she was dead for up to 20 minutes . . . was brought back and was on life support for 5 days and finally had to be let go, leaving behind her 3 very young kids, making her 30 year old husband a widower . . . I would have instantly felt awful and been so grateful that it wasn't MY sister. I might call her a couple times and say I love you, but then life would go on and I would probably push that awful thought into the back of my mind. Because it could. never. happen to me.

But it HAS happened to me and I couldn't possibly be any more broken. I have definitely felt what it's like to have my life be happy, fine, and normal and then instantly with NO warning have it ripped away. 

For that reason alone, I am absolutely, all the way focused on making all of my relationships stronger. I am going to call more often, & take more pictures with my loved ones {because those billions of pictures I have with Charish I will treasure for. ever}. Life is different. It TOTALLY sucks that she's gone, but {horribly} she is gone, so while I HATE that fact, I plan on learning something from this horrific experience and live more fully . . . for her . . . for her kids, and for me & my family. I KNOW she doesn't want me, or anyone else, to be so horribly depressed over her passing so quickly. I know it wont hurt like this forever . . . not sure when it's going to get any easier, but I plan on searching for some sort of meaning . . . because I'm sinking fast and can't live with this pain for much longer. I will always hurt, and it will always feel empty and lonely without her around . . . I just need to pick up and figure out a way to grow from this.

We all know we aren't here forever . . . let's squeeze our loved one's just a bit tighter today. And for those loved one's too far away, make sure they know you love them. I was lucky enough to have a tender mercy the day she was taken from us. I saw her . . . laughed and cried with her . . . and we both said I love you. There was no wondering how she felt about me, and no regrets that I didn't let her know I love her . . . because she knew, and so did I, and I am SO extremely grateful for that! Life is so short . . . and sometimes it's much much shorter than normal . . . and no one, not even you, is exempt from that.

Lift Me Up

Music has always seemed to have a big impact on my life. I always seem to find a song that perfectly fits my life for all different things. Today however, this song came on . . . and woa . . . the tears flowed! It couldn't have explained the way I've been feeling for the past month any better.

Nights are THE WORST time for me. My days are so busy that when everyone is asleep I am left alone with my thoughts. I can be thinking of anything and my thoughts will quickly turn back to the last few times I was with Charish. I can remember those moments like they were yesterday . . . from the way she smelled {she always smelled so good . . . every time I smell Victorias Secret's Berry Kiss I think of her} to the way she did her make up that day . . . I replay what I said to her, and the look on the nurses face's that first night . . . I remember the sobs coming from my sweet girls when we told them the horrible news . . . everything is SO vivid. 

So this song is my song . . . for now. I'm hoping that the happier songs will come and that I will smile when I hear them . . . but for now, this is how I feel. Not a good place to be, but I'm having a hard time digging my way out of these crappy trenches. So in the mean time, while I'm searching for the peace I need . . . this explains me.

Lift Me Up {Christina Aguilera}

So the pain begins

as the music fades

and I'm left here 

with more than I can take

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

When the sky clears

and all is said and done

I will realize

that we all need someone

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

So when you see me crashing

and there's nowhere left to fall

will you lift me even higher

to rise above this all

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

. . . 

{Wednesday} February 3, 2010

Reha is such an amazingly thoughtful little girl. I hope that that never fades and that she will always be this way. She asked this morning, "I want to draw a picture for Charish . . . but how will I give it to her?" We've decided that we'll buy her a balloon and send it to her. 

Balloons have a deeper meaning for us lately. When Charish was a little bitty thing my parents took her to a swap meet where they bought her a balloon. My mom didn't tie it to her wrist and she accidentally let it go . . . and like any toddler she threw a FIT. My mom knelt down next to her and said, "How did you know that Jesus loves balloons?!" Instantly Charish got a twinkle in her eye, and was so proud of herself for giving Jesus such a thoughtful gift. Needless to say every week, they would go to the swap meet, buy a balloon, and send it to Jesus.

At her graveside service all of her kids & nieces sent her white balloons. I think that because of that balloons will always be special to her kids and my girls.

We'll be sending her picture to Charish tomorrow. Hoping that the sky will stay clear long enough to do it . . . although Charish LOVED the rain, so it might be cool to do it then.

{Tuesday} February 2, 2010

I have been so down lately that it feels really good when I turn my focus on my little miracles. These girls {and their big sister} are such amazing joys in my life. I have much to be thankful for. I love being a mom to these sweet things!!

{Monday} February 1, 2010 Jake's 9th Birthday!

We spent the evening with Charish's family . . . it's really not the same with her gone. We were there for Jake's birthday party and I couldn't help but think of how BIG Charish made everyone's birthday's. She LOVED to throw the kids' birthday parties . . . it was SO surreal that she wasn't there.

It was a crazy mad house with a bunch of boys running away from the girls, and to add to the madness a kid threw up all the way down the stairs. But all in all they had a blast, and Jake enjoyed his party.

Chloe kept wanting me, and told Jason that she wants to go to Aunties house . . . made my day. I love that sweet thing!! She kept wanting me to show her pictures of "Mom" and she would point her out in all of them . . . "That's Mom, that's Mom too, that's Mom too . . . " Broke my heart to hear her say that "Mom's dead" and, "I miss my Mom."

There's a picture with Charish and Chloe from Jenn's wedding, and you can see her family tree necklace. When I showed her that I have the same one she couldn't stop looking at it. Tried HARD to hold back the tears . . .  but that's almost impossible.

This really hurts.

{Thriller}

It doesn't happen very often that I get a good belly laugh

. . . when I'm alone.

Today I couldn't help but think of Charish and our insanely funny times we spent together.

This time memory lane found it's way to Charish's 

{teenage Charish I should mention} 

completely SERIOUS obsession with Michael Jackson.

The chick even dressed up to BE him for Halloween one year . . . and it was NOT to be funny.

I for SURE can't put into words how funny it was

to see her practice over and over and OVER the Thriller dance.

And of course . . . I, being the little sister and wanting to be cool . . .

followed right along.

We would watch it . . . learn the next move

then rewind our sweet VCR so that we could watch it again

. . . and learn the next move.

And we would laugh . . . a good, fun laugh . . . the whole time.

No joke, we knew that stupid dance like the back of our hands.

I still know it, and when I see someone recreating it, and can tell you what move comes next.

For the life of me I can't find the picture of Charish in her Michael Jackson outfit,

but I will search for it until I find it . . . 

this picture is CLASSIC, and we all deserve a nice, good laugh about now.

It just dawned on me that maybe that sensitive heart of hers probably couldn't bear to live in a world without Mr. Thriller himself . . . duh! No wonder she left us!

{kidding . . . kidding}