A {Year} Later . . .

{Wednesday} January 5, 2011

 

It's completely shocking to me that it's already been a year since I have seen that cute face of yours. A year since {this} torturous week. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions that have filled my life since you so quickly and without warning left us. There have been many nights filled with tears, disbelief and anger. Even moments out of the blue where tears have uncontrollably flowed . . . usually at inconvenient times, like the dinner table (if the girls see me cry, they cry . . . so you can imagine how that dinner was . . . poor Wade trying to console a bunch of weeping girls . . . ha) but those nights are few now and I can more easily enjoy the plethora of memories that fill me. The girls & I laugh about how funny you were all the time . . . I am in awe of how healing moments like those have been. But, oh, what I would give for just one more moment with you. I miss your sense of humor, your perfect smile . . . I even miss your trade mark mole! How retarded is that?! I remember, like it was literally yesterday, taking your face in my hands, putting my forehead to yours, and studying you knowing that it wouldn't be long until I wouldn't ever have that opportunity to look at you again in this life. And I couldn't stop stroking your eyebrow and that stupid mole! But most of all I miss that contagious laugh of yours. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine times with you and I can almost hear you laugh . . . I love that. What I love most is when I dream of you. They're SO real and I have come to believe that they're more than dreams . . . that you really are visiting me. The first one I had was a year ago tonight . . . the night we all stood around your bed and let you go. I dreamed that we were in Live Oak Park. I saw you, and in my dream I knew that we had let you go, but you were there. I was so confused but SO happy. I ran up to you and kept saying, "You're okay?! You're okay?!" and you looked at me with those breathtaking eyes and said, "Of course I'm okay." It wasn't long after you said that that I woke up. I was. so. mad! It was SO real, and really believed for a moment that you were okay, so to wake up from that moment of bliss was complete torture. It was like I lost you all over again. But as I lay there that night thinking about it, I came to realize . . . with the help of God I'm convinced . . . that that was your way of letting me know that you are okay, that I didn't need to worry about you or be sad for you, because you. are. fine. I've since had a few more dreams like that . . . all different, but with the same feelings of bliss. I don't wake up angry any more, instead I wake up overjoyed to have had the opportunity to "see" you and hug you again. I miss you so bad that my body aches sometimes. It was hard going through my pregnancy and having Porter knowing that you wouldn't be coming to visit your new nephew . . . your only nephew . . . and it made me sad for him that he wouldn't have the unique thrill of knowing you. It's nice to think that you were together for a brief while after you entered Heaven and before he left. I love looking at Porter and wondering what kind of interaction you two had. I like to think that you're with him constantly and that's why he's always giggling in his sleep. I love you, Charish. Thank you for being with me so often. I feel you. I know you're here, and I love you for that. And while I know I'll see you again, I still selfishly wish you would just call me up and say, "What's up yo!?" That's all I want . . . but I will do my best to live my life for you. You filled my life with laughter and I'm so grateful to have so many funny/dorky memories of you! You, my precious big sister, are SO missed!! xoxoxo