For Charish . . .

{Thursday} January 5, 2012

I can NOT believe that it's been two years since we let Charish go. {I wrote about it HERE} It is still just as numbing as the day it happened. I feel like it's only been about five minutes. 

The way I've felt for the past couple of weeks has totally shocked me. I fully . . . and probably unrealistically . . . expected to have an easier time over the holidays than I did last year. This year was by far harder for me than last year. The only thing I can think is that last year I "geared up" for the holidays. I knew they would be hard; building new traditions and moving past the old ones. For 10 years before Charish died we spent Christmas day with her family, so to go from having "set" plans every Christmas to nothing was strange. This year I put it in the back of my mind and tried to forget about it so that I could get excited about Christmas morning. Doing that seemed to work for days leading up to Christmas but once the day came it was impossible to think of how fun Christmas day used to be. I literally left her house with sore cheeks from laughing so much. I really miss that girl! I can't WAIT to see her again . . . just wish I didn't have to live my {as far as my plans go} long life. I crave to grow old with her and be gray old ladies still leaving each other with sore cheeks. BUT since that plan so quickly changed for me I am currently in the midst of finding my new "normal" . . . whatever that is. If I ever figure it out I'll share. Hoping that comes sooner rather than later.

This morning after I dropped Hannah and Reha off at school, Charly, Porter and I headed out to Fallbrook to visit her grave. I've only been back to bring her a flower once {and one other time when her father in-law, John passed away} so it was time to go back. And I felt it was also important to bring Charly back. She was so little that she's forgotten Charish {or rather how she was when she was alive. She "knows" Charish through pictures and stories.} When we first got to Fallbrook we met Jason and Chloe at La Caseta for lunch. I haven't seen Chloe in way too long. It was the first time EVER that she didn't run up to me in excitement . . . so sad. I really wish we got together more. Hopefully things will change and we can get together more often. After lunch we went and got a balloon and a flower and went over to the cemetery. Charly was excited to "give Charish" her gifts and after a few minutes driving over there I realized that she thought she would actually see her. It was a good learning experience for her but I could see the sadness in her eyes and it broke my heart. She's such a sweet girl. I so wish that she and Charish could have grown close like the other two were able to.

Sending a balloon to heaven.

 On our drive home Charly kept asking, "How will she get her flower?" It was kind of sad for her to realize that Charish will only get to see her flower, but it was a good lesson that she can see it and that she's around us all the time. She just came up to the computer while I'm posting this and said, "I love that Charish is my angel." So cute.