Drawing {1} . . . Porter William

So, I have never been successful at keeping a New Years resolution . . . pathetic, I know. This year I didn't make it too easy on myself to keep all of them, but I really want to see how long I can go on this one. I really love to draw. It's something that I used to do quite a bit of, but recently . . . like the last 7 years or so . . . I haven't done much {if any} of it, so I really wanted to dust off the colored pencils and try my hand at it again. I plan on doing one drawing a week . . . daunting after completing this one and realizing how much time it takes . . . but nonetheless it's something that I really want to do . . . a year long project if you will. I'm hoping by the end of the year that I'll be better at it and can do it faster . . . silly, but I don't have a whole lot of talents so this year I plan on working on the one's I do have. I'm going to try to draw something that has to do with the week, so this week I decided to draw Porter since our big event of this week was his baby blessing.

So here it is . . . not the best picture of it, but you get the hint. One thing that I h.a.t.e about it . . . the fact that I was so slow and careful drawing it, and when I finally finished I was careless about signing it. 

Stupid.

It's way too big and dark and stands out way too much. So from now on I plan on a simple initial in the corner in pencil. Urg. Lesson learned . . . moving forward. ha

A {Year} Later . . .

{Wednesday} January 5, 2011

 

It's completely shocking to me that it's already been a year since I have seen that cute face of yours. A year since {this} torturous week. I can't even begin to describe the roller coaster of emotions that have filled my life since you so quickly and without warning left us. There have been many nights filled with tears, disbelief and anger. Even moments out of the blue where tears have uncontrollably flowed . . . usually at inconvenient times, like the dinner table (if the girls see me cry, they cry . . . so you can imagine how that dinner was . . . poor Wade trying to console a bunch of weeping girls . . . ha) but those nights are few now and I can more easily enjoy the plethora of memories that fill me. The girls & I laugh about how funny you were all the time . . . I am in awe of how healing moments like those have been. But, oh, what I would give for just one more moment with you. I miss your sense of humor, your perfect smile . . . I even miss your trade mark mole! How retarded is that?! I remember, like it was literally yesterday, taking your face in my hands, putting my forehead to yours, and studying you knowing that it wouldn't be long until I wouldn't ever have that opportunity to look at you again in this life. And I couldn't stop stroking your eyebrow and that stupid mole! But most of all I miss that contagious laugh of yours. Sometimes I close my eyes and imagine times with you and I can almost hear you laugh . . . I love that. What I love most is when I dream of you. They're SO real and I have come to believe that they're more than dreams . . . that you really are visiting me. The first one I had was a year ago tonight . . . the night we all stood around your bed and let you go. I dreamed that we were in Live Oak Park. I saw you, and in my dream I knew that we had let you go, but you were there. I was so confused but SO happy. I ran up to you and kept saying, "You're okay?! You're okay?!" and you looked at me with those breathtaking eyes and said, "Of course I'm okay." It wasn't long after you said that that I woke up. I was. so. mad! It was SO real, and really believed for a moment that you were okay, so to wake up from that moment of bliss was complete torture. It was like I lost you all over again. But as I lay there that night thinking about it, I came to realize . . . with the help of God I'm convinced . . . that that was your way of letting me know that you are okay, that I didn't need to worry about you or be sad for you, because you. are. fine. I've since had a few more dreams like that . . . all different, but with the same feelings of bliss. I don't wake up angry any more, instead I wake up overjoyed to have had the opportunity to "see" you and hug you again. I miss you so bad that my body aches sometimes. It was hard going through my pregnancy and having Porter knowing that you wouldn't be coming to visit your new nephew . . . your only nephew . . . and it made me sad for him that he wouldn't have the unique thrill of knowing you. It's nice to think that you were together for a brief while after you entered Heaven and before he left. I love looking at Porter and wondering what kind of interaction you two had. I like to think that you're with him constantly and that's why he's always giggling in his sleep. I love you, Charish. Thank you for being with me so often. I feel you. I know you're here, and I love you for that. And while I know I'll see you again, I still selfishly wish you would just call me up and say, "What's up yo!?" That's all I want . . . but I will do my best to live my life for you. You filled my life with laughter and I'm so grateful to have so many funny/dorky memories of you! You, my precious big sister, are SO missed!! xoxoxo

Porter's {Blessing} Day

{Sunday} January 2, 2011

This morning started out great. Porter & I went to church for the first time since he was born (which alone was nice) and his amazing daddy gave him such a beautifully touching blessing. I've never heard any baby blessing be so sweet. The part that stands out to me the most is when he said that Porter was sent to heal me from the heartache of losing Charish. I've never thought of it that way, but it's so true. He has filled that ugly, gaping hole that has been taking over my heart for the last 12 months. Most of the family who lives close was able to come and be a part of his special day. The priesthood holders who stood with Wade in the circle were Bill, Rick, Paul, Bryce, and our good friend, Aaron Evans. Afterwards everyone (along with our friends, Chris & Shelly Sanchez) came to our house and had munchies for lunch and visited while the kids ran around and got their crazies out.

Even in the midst of such a great day, I can't help but be a little heavy. It's just another "first" for me without Charish. I'm running out of firsts and I couldn't be more happy that I wont have to deal with too many more. Firsts suck. There's just that empty feeling, like she should be here but she's not . . . but then when I sit back quietly and think about her I know she really is here . . . I just selfishly want to have things the way they were. Okay, enough whining. It's crazy to me to think about where we were a year ago today. We got "the" phone call the night before and this day when I got to the hospital I was told that she wasn't going to make it. Out of all of the days that engulfed that hellish week, this was the worst . . . even harder than the day that we actually stood by her bed and let her go. I guess the days that followed this one prepared me for that . . . nothing could prepare me to be shocked into the realization that I would never see my sister alive again (being on life support didn't count). And now look where the year has taken us! We just had a blissful day celebrating our sweet new baby. What a serious 180! I feel so blessed and completely overjoyed to have this sweet "healer" come into my life. I absolutely needed him.

"In their last hour, they gave a {lifetime}"

This morning Hannah & I drove with Ian and my mom to an event that Life Sharing puts on twice a year to honor families who decided to donate the organs of loved ones who were passing on. I was hoping to meet some of the recipients of Charish's organs, but this event was only for the families who suffered the loss. It was held in a little chapel in San Diego and there were probably 30 other families there. It was a nice feeling to be amongst so many people who "get it." It's sometimes hard (annoying might be a better word) to hear, "I understand what you're going through" when the person saying it really has no clue. So to be surrounded by people who understand the pain and emptiness of losing someone was comforting . . . even though there were barely any words spoken between us.

I was doing well . . . not many tears . . . until they started a slideshow of everyone's loved ones. It started out with pictures of people laughing, an infant holding someone's finger, people jumping in the air, a couple getting married . . . people enjoying life, and then there was a quote . . . "In their last hour they gave a lifetime." That got me. Throughout this whole process the only thing that has shed any light on this crappy situation that we've been forced to "live with" is the fact that through Charish passing away there were at least 6 people (and a LOT more if you include all of the people who were able to get skin grafts) who will live a much better life because of her. In fact the night that we decided to let her go (the night before we actually gathered around her bed and let her go) we were driving away and talking about how cool it would be to see the Facebook pages of the people who FINALLY found a match and would be going in to get their transplants the next day. It really, truly has been such a great thing to think about when I'm missing her. I can't wait to finally get the chance to meet the recipients. Hopefully soon . . .

I used my cell phone to take pictures at the event . . . so we're going Polaroid style today . . .

Hannah smelling her rose. (We all put roses by a memorial stone after the ceremony). This poor thing misses her aunt so bad. She's actually the only one of my kids that came. Reha didn't want to go. She's still having a really hard time and didn't "want people to see her cry."

Hannah & Jake after the ceremony.

Mom's in {Training}

For the past couple of weeks I've been reading Merrilee Boyack's book, "The Parenting Breakthrough" A Real-Life Plan to Teach Your Kids to Work, Save Money, and be Truly Independent. I heard about this book years ago {she lives here in San Diego and spoke at a women's conference . . . or something}. A few of my friends read it and raved about it, so when I saw it at Deseret Book {for the gazillionth time} I decided to finally get it. I must say that it has completely opened my eyes to how UNprepared my kids will be when it's time for them to leave their cozy little nest at the rate of "training" them to be independent I am doing! I barely make them do anything beyond making their beds and picking up their rooms. They {up until a couple weeks ago} had no idea how to scrub a toilet, read a recipe, vacuum . . . all kinds of things that they are perfectly capable of doing. I'm telling you, teaching them new "grown up" things has made a huge difference in the way that our family has run. They do a lot and have learned a ton in two weeks, and they actually love the new chores they're being given . . . so far. I know it wont last!

After school I had the older girls make rice crispy treats . . . and of course they "fancied" things up a bit and made them purple {or pink . . . depending on who you ask}.

Hannah has been asking me for the last three years AT LEAST to teach her how to sew, and I finally figured that it was a good time to sit down and teach them both how to sew a straight line. We decided to start a simple {but super cute} quilt, and so far they are absolutely loving it. And after sewing together 14 pieces we haven't had to take out any of it. They're doing great . . . I'm actually quite proud of them.

Hannah's first piece . . . don't pay any attention to her nasty nails. The "nail grooming" lesson hasn't come yet!

Reha's first piece.

I'm excited to see how it turns out. If they keep it up and keep doing as well as they did today I'm sure it will be really cute. I'm thankful to have had my eyes open to how "able" they are to do so much. It's been fun seeing them learn so much new stuff . . . I have such good girls.

After School {Play} Time

{Thursday} September 2, 2010

I spent most of the day today trying to figure out our cell phone's . . . long, very boring story . . . but I was at T-Mobile for a couple hours in the morning, thought I got it "figured out" and needed Wade's debit card {because they're L.A.M.E}. SO I drove to Wade's work and ended up hanging out with him while he ate lunch and then met Bob Baker {his boss} and some other people he works with. Charlise was a big hit with all of the women . . . but that doesn't surprise me. Bring a little girl into an office and she's sure to grasp the hearts of every female in the building. So silly. ;) Anyway, I got his card and went back to T-Mobile to finish off what I started . . . took back our retarded Blackberry's and got our even more retarded old phones back. We're hoping to get iPhones in the next couple of months when our contract is up . . . crossing my fingers!!

When I picked up the girls from school we decided to spend the afternoon at Sea World. We love that we can do that again now that we're back in San Diego. The girls absolutely love it there . . . even if it's only for a couple of hours.

Hannah & Reha at the Shamu show. We were only there for a couple of hours so they had to pick one show, and they haven't seen this one yet . . .

Charlise doing the "splash the audience" signal . . . she LOVES the shows at Sea World. She's my first child to sit all the way through a show with no problem. {That is from the time it starts until it ends . . . waiting for it to start is a totally different story}.

Waiting patiently for a dolphin to get close enough to touch.

Watching the killer whales down below the tank . . . I love how much these two girls love each other. Now only if they showed it all the time. THAT would be awesome! ;)

Reha's budding photography skills . . . she loves taking pictures.

Tonight I was able to go and have dinner with my sister in-law, Becky, at our favorite restaurant, Stir Fresh. I love her. She has been the one person who has "checked up" on me consistently since Charish passed away. I truly feel like she is another sister and I couldn't be more grateful for her. It's hard for me to be stuck in this sadness while the world has totally moved on. For the first month or so I had people calling daily, and sending stuff, and stopping by with flowers or dinner, or just to say they were thinking of me . . . and then almost like a light switch was hit . . . it stopped. I completely understand that people have their own lives with their own trials . . . I guess I just secretly wish that I could have moved on with them. It has been really nice to have Becky "remember," and it's so great that she's not afraid to bring it up. I feel like people are afraid to talk about it . . . but it helps me to talk about it . . . again, I understand. We of course {like every other time} shut the place down. It gets to the point where the people cleaning up will sit down and wait for us to leave. Totally funny and it's almost turning into a tradition that we're going to have to uphold. ;)

About {Time}

{Tuesday} August 31, 2010

Well, it will be 8 months tomorrow since Charish collapsed and the day we basically lost her {previous post}. I can't believe it's been so long . . . it's all still so clear in my memory, like it just happened. I still catch myself almost calling her . . . so strange. I've also almost gone to the cemetery a hundred times and couldn't bring myself to go. There's just something SO wrong about seeing my sisters picture on a headstone. Totally not right . . . but then again, what IS right? I've come to realize this year that my version of how things are supposed to go doesn't always fall into place. In fact what makes me think that I can choose how things ultimately "pan out"? It's been a hard road trying to fully grasp that fact, but I know that until I let go of things and put ALL of my burdens at the Lord's feet I will be overwhelmingly consumed by my heartache.

Anyway, I decided it was about time I stop waiting to be "ready" to go to her graveside {since I will never fully be ready}. So after I dropped Hannah & Reha off at school, Charlise & I went to THE cutest little flower shop in Penasquitos to pick out a flower to bring to her grave. When I was there watching Charlise pick out a flower it dawned on me that I stopped at this same flower shop to get Charish a bundle of daisies to take to her at the hospital when she had Chloe . . . kind of a weird realization. Needless to say, I love this shop and was so glad to see that it was still here when we moved back.

Charly picked out a pink daisy . . . of course. EVERYTHING has to be pink these days. She was so cute with it. I really love this sweet thing!

After we got the flower, we headed to the Fallbrook Masonic Cemetery. Charlise fell asleep in the car, so I just parked right next to Charish's grave and left Charly asleep while I went to visit "her". I must say that I spent the first few minutes cleaning the junk off of her headstone . . . I think just to keep my mind busy. Then, I just sat there and cried . . . it's a really strange feeling to be sitting where I know her body is resting. And in that moment of sadness, an overwhelming calm came over me and I knew she was sitting right next to me. I could almost literally feel her arm around my back and her hand touching my hair. And then I was fine and all I could think about were all of the things that I have learned this crappy 8 months . . .

1. Praying, no matter how hard or how long, doesn't always mean that what you're praying for is going to work out the way you want it to.

2. It takes a long time to "wake up" from being spiritually dead after being smacked in the face with the realization of #1.

3. Never, NEVER will I let myself fall into the "spiritually dead" category ever again. It blows and it's totally needless.

4. There is nothing you can say to a grieving 5 year old that will make the loss of her favorite person feel any better. {The only thing that ever stops the tears and starts the laughter is when I remind her of funny times . . . like the time Charish peed her pants from laughing so hard at Hannah's "HEY! My dad used to be Mexican!!" comment}

5. Time heals . . . in a way. In another way, time is an enemy . . . especially when I realize how long it's been, and how long it's going to be until I see her beautiful face again.

6. Anger never helps anything . . . love fixes everything. Holding onto the people I still CAN hold onto has filled the horrible emptiness in a big way.

7. I had it great. What a HUGE blessing to have been born into the same family as such an awesome sister. Her laugh and the way she made me feel every time I was around her is something I will never forget. {And her drama . . . good or bad . . . was always priceless and could keep me entertained no matter the situation. ha}

8. My life will never be the same now that she's gone, but I know that I can learn and grow and improve myself from this stupid experience {good attitude moron}.

9. I can put my feelings aside and help others who are hurting because of what I have experienced. When we were in the ICU, Holly Genduso, a good friend of mine, came to sit with me. She lost her sister unexpectedly too {in a car accident}. She didn't say much . . . just sat next to me . . . but it was perfect. I will always drop everything if I know that I can impact someone the way she impacted me that day.

10. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He has a weird way of working . . . I have gone through my deepest sorrow, but will experience pure joy all in the same year. There is nothing sweeter than welcoming a sweet newborn into your family.

Ultimately . . . I AM BLESSED. Period . . . whether I fully see it now or not . . . it's a fact and it's something that I have to remind myself of constantly when I feel myself falling. I just need to look around me and see that 1. I'm still here, enjoying my time with my amazing loved ones, and 2. I have a beautiful life.