About {Time}

{Tuesday} August 31, 2010

Well, it will be 8 months tomorrow since Charish collapsed and the day we basically lost her {previous post}. I can't believe it's been so long . . . it's all still so clear in my memory, like it just happened. I still catch myself almost calling her . . . so strange. I've also almost gone to the cemetery a hundred times and couldn't bring myself to go. There's just something SO wrong about seeing my sisters picture on a headstone. Totally not right . . . but then again, what IS right? I've come to realize this year that my version of how things are supposed to go doesn't always fall into place. In fact what makes me think that I can choose how things ultimately "pan out"? It's been a hard road trying to fully grasp that fact, but I know that until I let go of things and put ALL of my burdens at the Lord's feet I will be overwhelmingly consumed by my heartache.

Anyway, I decided it was about time I stop waiting to be "ready" to go to her graveside {since I will never fully be ready}. So after I dropped Hannah & Reha off at school, Charlise & I went to THE cutest little flower shop in Penasquitos to pick out a flower to bring to her grave. When I was there watching Charlise pick out a flower it dawned on me that I stopped at this same flower shop to get Charish a bundle of daisies to take to her at the hospital when she had Chloe . . . kind of a weird realization. Needless to say, I love this shop and was so glad to see that it was still here when we moved back.

Charly picked out a pink daisy . . . of course. EVERYTHING has to be pink these days. She was so cute with it. I really love this sweet thing!

After we got the flower, we headed to the Fallbrook Masonic Cemetery. Charlise fell asleep in the car, so I just parked right next to Charish's grave and left Charly asleep while I went to visit "her". I must say that I spent the first few minutes cleaning the junk off of her headstone . . . I think just to keep my mind busy. Then, I just sat there and cried . . . it's a really strange feeling to be sitting where I know her body is resting. And in that moment of sadness, an overwhelming calm came over me and I knew she was sitting right next to me. I could almost literally feel her arm around my back and her hand touching my hair. And then I was fine and all I could think about were all of the things that I have learned this crappy 8 months . . .

1. Praying, no matter how hard or how long, doesn't always mean that what you're praying for is going to work out the way you want it to.

2. It takes a long time to "wake up" from being spiritually dead after being smacked in the face with the realization of #1.

3. Never, NEVER will I let myself fall into the "spiritually dead" category ever again. It blows and it's totally needless.

4. There is nothing you can say to a grieving 5 year old that will make the loss of her favorite person feel any better. {The only thing that ever stops the tears and starts the laughter is when I remind her of funny times . . . like the time Charish peed her pants from laughing so hard at Hannah's "HEY! My dad used to be Mexican!!" comment}

5. Time heals . . . in a way. In another way, time is an enemy . . . especially when I realize how long it's been, and how long it's going to be until I see her beautiful face again.

6. Anger never helps anything . . . love fixes everything. Holding onto the people I still CAN hold onto has filled the horrible emptiness in a big way.

7. I had it great. What a HUGE blessing to have been born into the same family as such an awesome sister. Her laugh and the way she made me feel every time I was around her is something I will never forget. {And her drama . . . good or bad . . . was always priceless and could keep me entertained no matter the situation. ha}

8. My life will never be the same now that she's gone, but I know that I can learn and grow and improve myself from this stupid experience {good attitude moron}.

9. I can put my feelings aside and help others who are hurting because of what I have experienced. When we were in the ICU, Holly Genduso, a good friend of mine, came to sit with me. She lost her sister unexpectedly too {in a car accident}. She didn't say much . . . just sat next to me . . . but it was perfect. I will always drop everything if I know that I can impact someone the way she impacted me that day.

10. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He has a weird way of working . . . I have gone through my deepest sorrow, but will experience pure joy all in the same year. There is nothing sweeter than welcoming a sweet newborn into your family.

Ultimately . . . I AM BLESSED. Period . . . whether I fully see it now or not . . . it's a fact and it's something that I have to remind myself of constantly when I feel myself falling. I just need to look around me and see that 1. I'm still here, enjoying my time with my amazing loved ones, and 2. I have a beautiful life.