{Friday} February 5, 2010

It feels like it's been forever that I've seen this girl . . . it was SO good to see Tatia today and her sister, Angie & little girl Ella who is just 4 days older than Charlise. We went to CPK, and while the visit was cut short due to having to pick up Reha from school it totally made my day to catch up with them. Thanks for the visit! Love you girls!!

{Thursday} February 4, 2010

I heard something today that is SO very true.

"People don't change because of what they know. People change because of what they feel"

So so true, and it couldn't be more true for me right now. Everyone knows that people die . . . of course our loved ones will not be around forever and neither will we! But what do we do about it? Love deeper, live more fully? No. Not a thing . . . because it's like cancer or fatal car accidents . . . that happens to everyone else. Could never happen to me. 

I must say, if I was on the outside and heard Charish's story . . . a 35 year old woman who's heart suddenly gave out with no warning, stopped breathing and then wasn't found until she was dead for up to 20 minutes . . . was brought back and was on life support for 5 days and finally had to be let go, leaving behind her 3 very young kids, making her 30 year old husband a widower . . . I would have instantly felt awful and been so grateful that it wasn't MY sister. I might call her a couple times and say I love you, but then life would go on and I would probably push that awful thought into the back of my mind. Because it could. never. happen to me.

But it HAS happened to me and I couldn't possibly be any more broken. I have definitely felt what it's like to have my life be happy, fine, and normal and then instantly with NO warning have it ripped away. 

For that reason alone, I am absolutely, all the way focused on making all of my relationships stronger. I am going to call more often, & take more pictures with my loved ones {because those billions of pictures I have with Charish I will treasure for. ever}. Life is different. It TOTALLY sucks that she's gone, but {horribly} she is gone, so while I HATE that fact, I plan on learning something from this horrific experience and live more fully . . . for her . . . for her kids, and for me & my family. I KNOW she doesn't want me, or anyone else, to be so horribly depressed over her passing so quickly. I know it wont hurt like this forever . . . not sure when it's going to get any easier, but I plan on searching for some sort of meaning . . . because I'm sinking fast and can't live with this pain for much longer. I will always hurt, and it will always feel empty and lonely without her around . . . I just need to pick up and figure out a way to grow from this.

We all know we aren't here forever . . . let's squeeze our loved one's just a bit tighter today. And for those loved one's too far away, make sure they know you love them. I was lucky enough to have a tender mercy the day she was taken from us. I saw her . . . laughed and cried with her . . . and we both said I love you. There was no wondering how she felt about me, and no regrets that I didn't let her know I love her . . . because she knew, and so did I, and I am SO extremely grateful for that! Life is so short . . . and sometimes it's much much shorter than normal . . . and no one, not even you, is exempt from that.

Lift Me Up

Music has always seemed to have a big impact on my life. I always seem to find a song that perfectly fits my life for all different things. Today however, this song came on . . . and woa . . . the tears flowed! It couldn't have explained the way I've been feeling for the past month any better.

Nights are THE WORST time for me. My days are so busy that when everyone is asleep I am left alone with my thoughts. I can be thinking of anything and my thoughts will quickly turn back to the last few times I was with Charish. I can remember those moments like they were yesterday . . . from the way she smelled {she always smelled so good . . . every time I smell Victorias Secret's Berry Kiss I think of her} to the way she did her make up that day . . . I replay what I said to her, and the look on the nurses face's that first night . . . I remember the sobs coming from my sweet girls when we told them the horrible news . . . everything is SO vivid. 

So this song is my song . . . for now. I'm hoping that the happier songs will come and that I will smile when I hear them . . . but for now, this is how I feel. Not a good place to be, but I'm having a hard time digging my way out of these crappy trenches. So in the mean time, while I'm searching for the peace I need . . . this explains me.

Lift Me Up {Christina Aguilera}

So the pain begins

as the music fades

and I'm left here 

with more than I can take

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

When the sky clears

and all is said and done

I will realize

that we all need someone

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

So when you see me crashing

and there's nowhere left to fall

will you lift me even higher

to rise above this all

If you lift me up

just get me through this night

I know I'll rest tomorrow

and I'll be strong enough to try

. . . 

{Wednesday} February 3, 2010

Reha is such an amazingly thoughtful little girl. I hope that that never fades and that she will always be this way. She asked this morning, "I want to draw a picture for Charish . . . but how will I give it to her?" We've decided that we'll buy her a balloon and send it to her. 

Balloons have a deeper meaning for us lately. When Charish was a little bitty thing my parents took her to a swap meet where they bought her a balloon. My mom didn't tie it to her wrist and she accidentally let it go . . . and like any toddler she threw a FIT. My mom knelt down next to her and said, "How did you know that Jesus loves balloons?!" Instantly Charish got a twinkle in her eye, and was so proud of herself for giving Jesus such a thoughtful gift. Needless to say every week, they would go to the swap meet, buy a balloon, and send it to Jesus.

At her graveside service all of her kids & nieces sent her white balloons. I think that because of that balloons will always be special to her kids and my girls.

We'll be sending her picture to Charish tomorrow. Hoping that the sky will stay clear long enough to do it . . . although Charish LOVED the rain, so it might be cool to do it then.

{Tuesday} February 2, 2010

I have been so down lately that it feels really good when I turn my focus on my little miracles. These girls {and their big sister} are such amazing joys in my life. I have much to be thankful for. I love being a mom to these sweet things!!

{Monday} February 1, 2010 Jake's 9th Birthday!

We spent the evening with Charish's family . . . it's really not the same with her gone. We were there for Jake's birthday party and I couldn't help but think of how BIG Charish made everyone's birthday's. She LOVED to throw the kids' birthday parties . . . it was SO surreal that she wasn't there.

It was a crazy mad house with a bunch of boys running away from the girls, and to add to the madness a kid threw up all the way down the stairs. But all in all they had a blast, and Jake enjoyed his party.

Chloe kept wanting me, and told Jason that she wants to go to Aunties house . . . made my day. I love that sweet thing!! She kept wanting me to show her pictures of "Mom" and she would point her out in all of them . . . "That's Mom, that's Mom too, that's Mom too . . . " Broke my heart to hear her say that "Mom's dead" and, "I miss my Mom."

There's a picture with Charish and Chloe from Jenn's wedding, and you can see her family tree necklace. When I showed her that I have the same one she couldn't stop looking at it. Tried HARD to hold back the tears . . .  but that's almost impossible.

This really hurts.

{Thriller}

It doesn't happen very often that I get a good belly laugh

. . . when I'm alone.

Today I couldn't help but think of Charish and our insanely funny times we spent together.

This time memory lane found it's way to Charish's 

{teenage Charish I should mention} 

completely SERIOUS obsession with Michael Jackson.

The chick even dressed up to BE him for Halloween one year . . . and it was NOT to be funny.

I for SURE can't put into words how funny it was

to see her practice over and over and OVER the Thriller dance.

And of course . . . I, being the little sister and wanting to be cool . . .

followed right along.

We would watch it . . . learn the next move

then rewind our sweet VCR so that we could watch it again

. . . and learn the next move.

And we would laugh . . . a good, fun laugh . . . the whole time.

No joke, we knew that stupid dance like the back of our hands.

I still know it, and when I see someone recreating it, and can tell you what move comes next.

For the life of me I can't find the picture of Charish in her Michael Jackson outfit,

but I will search for it until I find it . . . 

this picture is CLASSIC, and we all deserve a nice, good laugh about now.

It just dawned on me that maybe that sensitive heart of hers probably couldn't bear to live in a world without Mr. Thriller himself . . . duh! No wonder she left us!

{kidding . . . kidding}