{Sunday} February 7, 2010

This morning we went to church with Paul & Becky, but after sacrament meeting Wade & I took Charlise home so she could get a nap. She fell asleep on Wade and ended up completely wrinkling his shirt . . . looked like he grabbed it off the floor and threw it on before church. Pretty WT. ha

After church we watched the Super Bowl, ate some good food, then played Settlers again. 

It was nice to have a fun weekend with family. This past month has really opened my eyes to how important spending time with the people you love is. I really hope that we'll be able to do more of this soon!! 

Last night at dinner we were talking and it came around to how "off" I've been spiritually. I told them about the one {yes one . . . better than none!} time that I have read my scriptures since Charish passed away. I realized that I never wrote anything about it . . . so now I will . . .

Last year {2009} I made a new years resolution that I would read and study every Sunday school lesson . . . I never really finished before the year was over, so when I pulled out my scriptures I decided that I would follow through with that goal and finish, even though the year is over. The lesson was about the pioneers and it had me read out of Our Heritage on page 78. This is what it said:

"A man who crossed the plains in the Martin handcart company lived in Utah for many years. One day he was in a group of people who began sharply criticizing the Church leaders for ever allowing the Saints to cross the plains with no more supplies or protection than a handcart company provided. The old man listened until he could stand no more; then he arose and said with great emotion: 

"I was in that company and my wife was in it. . . . We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? . . . [We] came through with the absolute knowledge that God lives for we became acquainted with him in our extremities.

"I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it. . . . I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there.

"Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay, and I am thankful that I was privileged to come in the Martin Handcart Company."

I vividly remember feeling this way, exactly. When the night came that we stood around Charish's hospital bed and let her go, I remember thinking that I had to stay busy and make her memorial something that she would be proud of . . . but all the while I had in the back of my mind that as I stay busy I can {emotionally} make it to the funeral, but knowing that that day would come and we would have to bury her just about killed me. I looked ahead and knew that I could "make it" to that point, but then I wouldn't know how to move forward. I didn't know how else I was going to live with the horrible pain of losing my life long best friend. How could I continue on while she is gone? I truly didn't know how I was going to do it. But the day came . . . and to be honest I was a walking mess. The day I got out my scriptures and read this was probably about a week after the funeral, and the spirit that I felt while reading gave me the push I needed and the realization that God will absolutely help me along if I allow him.

For some stupid reason, though, I'm not doing what I need to do. Spiritually I'm still a mess, and I know that I have to get back on track before I'm lost. I never thought I would be "that" kind of person who lost faith over something like this. Anytime I heard of someone who struggled like this I always thought, "Duh, isn't it so obvious?! Why would anyone NOT do what they KNOW will bring them peace?" So weird how hard it is to get back on track and to not doubt. It's about time that his girl gets on her knees!!