About {Time}

{Tuesday} August 31, 2010

Well, it will be 8 months tomorrow since Charish collapsed and the day we basically lost her {previous post}. I can't believe it's been so long . . . it's all still so clear in my memory, like it just happened. I still catch myself almost calling her . . . so strange. I've also almost gone to the cemetery a hundred times and couldn't bring myself to go. There's just something SO wrong about seeing my sisters picture on a headstone. Totally not right . . . but then again, what IS right? I've come to realize this year that my version of how things are supposed to go doesn't always fall into place. In fact what makes me think that I can choose how things ultimately "pan out"? It's been a hard road trying to fully grasp that fact, but I know that until I let go of things and put ALL of my burdens at the Lord's feet I will be overwhelmingly consumed by my heartache.

Anyway, I decided it was about time I stop waiting to be "ready" to go to her graveside {since I will never fully be ready}. So after I dropped Hannah & Reha off at school, Charlise & I went to THE cutest little flower shop in Penasquitos to pick out a flower to bring to her grave. When I was there watching Charlise pick out a flower it dawned on me that I stopped at this same flower shop to get Charish a bundle of daisies to take to her at the hospital when she had Chloe . . . kind of a weird realization. Needless to say, I love this shop and was so glad to see that it was still here when we moved back.

Charly picked out a pink daisy . . . of course. EVERYTHING has to be pink these days. She was so cute with it. I really love this sweet thing!

After we got the flower, we headed to the Fallbrook Masonic Cemetery. Charlise fell asleep in the car, so I just parked right next to Charish's grave and left Charly asleep while I went to visit "her". I must say that I spent the first few minutes cleaning the junk off of her headstone . . . I think just to keep my mind busy. Then, I just sat there and cried . . . it's a really strange feeling to be sitting where I know her body is resting. And in that moment of sadness, an overwhelming calm came over me and I knew she was sitting right next to me. I could almost literally feel her arm around my back and her hand touching my hair. And then I was fine and all I could think about were all of the things that I have learned this crappy 8 months . . .

1. Praying, no matter how hard or how long, doesn't always mean that what you're praying for is going to work out the way you want it to.

2. It takes a long time to "wake up" from being spiritually dead after being smacked in the face with the realization of #1.

3. Never, NEVER will I let myself fall into the "spiritually dead" category ever again. It blows and it's totally needless.

4. There is nothing you can say to a grieving 5 year old that will make the loss of her favorite person feel any better. {The only thing that ever stops the tears and starts the laughter is when I remind her of funny times . . . like the time Charish peed her pants from laughing so hard at Hannah's "HEY! My dad used to be Mexican!!" comment}

5. Time heals . . . in a way. In another way, time is an enemy . . . especially when I realize how long it's been, and how long it's going to be until I see her beautiful face again.

6. Anger never helps anything . . . love fixes everything. Holding onto the people I still CAN hold onto has filled the horrible emptiness in a big way.

7. I had it great. What a HUGE blessing to have been born into the same family as such an awesome sister. Her laugh and the way she made me feel every time I was around her is something I will never forget. {And her drama . . . good or bad . . . was always priceless and could keep me entertained no matter the situation. ha}

8. My life will never be the same now that she's gone, but I know that I can learn and grow and improve myself from this stupid experience {good attitude moron}.

9. I can put my feelings aside and help others who are hurting because of what I have experienced. When we were in the ICU, Holly Genduso, a good friend of mine, came to sit with me. She lost her sister unexpectedly too {in a car accident}. She didn't say much . . . just sat next to me . . . but it was perfect. I will always drop everything if I know that I can impact someone the way she impacted me that day.

10. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. He has a weird way of working . . . I have gone through my deepest sorrow, but will experience pure joy all in the same year. There is nothing sweeter than welcoming a sweet newborn into your family.

Ultimately . . . I AM BLESSED. Period . . . whether I fully see it now or not . . . it's a fact and it's something that I have to remind myself of constantly when I feel myself falling. I just need to look around me and see that 1. I'm still here, enjoying my time with my amazing loved ones, and 2. I have a beautiful life.

Lego {Love}

{Tuesday} June 29, 2010

The past couple of days have started out kind of slow. I have been so tired! I really need to figure out how to get some energy . . . this is really getting old! Hopefully soon my body will figure out how to be pregnant without being so dang drained all the time.

Finally at about lunch time we decided to venture out of the house . . . hey, it's better than dinner time! We took our cans in to be recycled and ended up getting almost $30, so (as planned) we took a quick trip to the Lego store at Downtown Disney. The girls had so much fun picking out some Legos and making their little people . . . they all of the sudden LOVE playing with Legos! I have fun with them too . . . they never get old! ha

Hannah making her little person.

The LOOT . . . they had so much fun picking it all out!

Before we left the girls had to take their turn posing on the giant Lego . . . Reha had a little trouble getting up. haha

Looks like this might be a regular trip as they earn money . . . fun times.

Tonight Wade went to an Angels game with a couple of friends, so the girls & I went to Pat & Oscars for dinner. Tuesday is "kids eat free" night, so we all ended up eating some deLISH food for $10 . . . can't beat that! We would have spent more going to Taco Bell! After dinner, we ended the night with a quick Target run to get paper towels and ended up getting a new crock pot (ours is tiiiiny . . . what? It was on sale!) and got some stuff to make a friend something for her baby shower . . . SOOO of course, as always, my cheap Target run ended up being . . . well . . more than it was going to be. haha

This girl is t - to the - ired. Soooo, night!

In the {Dark}

{Monday} June 28, 2010

Today was fairly uneventful . . . aside from a quick Taco Bell run, all we really did was stay home, play, clean & do some brain work . . . a kids dream day {totally kidding}.

Tonight, though, at about 7:00 someone came to our door and told us that in 10 minutes we would be without power for about 8 hours! Very quickly I learned that I wasn't quite ready for an emergency like I thought {don't get me wrong, it was definitely NOT an emergency . . . just made me see the reality of our lack of preparation}. We had not one working flashlight, so we ate dinner and had FHE by candle light. All the light we really had was from the candles, Wade's camping head lamp thing {that ended up being more of a pain then a help . . . the thing blinds you if it is shone in your eyes}, the computer {until it died}, and Hannah's DS. It was interesting, but we made it through. Best part . . . the fact that the downstairs college guys couldn't blast their music all night. Too bad this isn't a nightly thing . . . ;)

Our ONE candle . . . I later remembered that I had a smaller votive candle that fits in a lantern style holder, so that helped with SOME light.

This is how we saw each other all night . . . "Like the pioneers used to live" . . . yeah, Hannah, not quite . . . but SORT of. haha

I swear she doesn't get her nerdiness from me!

First Day of {Summer} Vacation!

{Thursday} June 24, 2010

While today was the first day of Summer vacation, we still had to get up and get going. We had a busy morning . . . starting with a doctor appointment to check out this little peanut. After the appointment the girls had a birthday party to go to at Pump it Up!, basically a warehouse full of those big blow up jumpies, and since I wasn't on the ball yesterday and we didn't get the birthday present, we had to get out the door early enough to make a Target run {AND get gas . . . I was SO tired last night and didn't want to even do that . . . this morning I really regretted it!}

But, we made it to my appointment on time {ahh mazing}! I wasn't supposed to get an ultrasound, but since I had all of my girls there I asked if I could get a quick one so they {really I!} could see the sweet thing. Everything is progressing well . . . it's always so great to see that everything is going well so far. She printed out a couple pictures for us . . .

Baby at 14 weeks

I love this one . . . it might take a second to see it in the picture, but on the ultrasound machine it was SO clear. It's the baby's hand in a fist . . . you could see every finger . . . made me melt.

Right after the appointment {and a quick Taco Bell run for the starving pregnant lady} we headed over to Pump it Up! for the party. It was such a fun time. Charlise was a little worried about the big slides at first, but once she took 10 minutes climbing the ladder and Reha pushed her down one {under my direction . . . I know it sounds sad, but . . . } she LOVED it and did it over and over for the rest of the time. She was hilARIous on her way down every time. She looked horrified, but then would get to the bottom and say, "Woa, that was fun!" They ended the party with pizza, cake and lots of party favors . . . light sabers, bubble guns, and bags of little toys. They were all spoiled and loved every second of it. {Sorry for the red eyes & blurriness . . . my camera was being annoying}

Charly's first of many trips down the slide.

Just to prove she liked it . . . here's one more. I love how sprawled out she was every time she went down. SO funny.

We came straight home, put Charlise to bed and the girls had some reading/flash card quiet time. I really want to keep the girls' brains working this summer, so while Charly is down for naps they'll do a little brain work. I decided to have Hannah learn the rest of the states & capitols, so she worked on them, and Reha wanted to start learning them too. She's doing pretty good and knows California, Utah, Idaho & Florida . . . not bad for the first day.

We got a call from the bookstore saying that the CTR ring that we ordered for Reha was in, so stupidly I decided to take a little drive after Charly woke up . . . baaaaaaaAAd news hopping on the 405 at 4:30 in the afternoon. D to the UH! It took us forever to get there, but Reha got her ring and she was happy . . . now if only she remembers why she's wearing it . . . ;)

On the way home we stopped at the store and got stuff to make my mom's chicken & cheese soup. It was my all time favorite meal that she made growing up, and I've made it a few times. Basically . . . it's grubbin. ha. I'll post the recipe on a different post. Dinner was fab and we ended the night with the girls watching the new Free Willy movie, and Charly and I dancing to Wade's guitar playing. Busy day and I'm pooooped!

{Last} Day of School!!

{Wednesday} June 23, 2010

It's FINally here . . . the last day of school. I feel like this year has been SOOO long . . . probably because it has been! It was our first year experiencing {the beauty, really, of} year round school. I have absolutely loved it! Not only is it a great school, but it's fabulous that they only go to school for two months, then they have three weeks off . . . all year until summer where they have 5-6 weeks off. It seems like a short summer vacation, but it's great because they don't lose everything they learned, so when they go back to school they just jump right in. But, going back to how long it has been, they go to school from July - June, so it's an entire year of one grade {which I'm feelin' is a good thing too . . . we're just SO ready for a break}.

I'm sad that Reha is out of kindergarten. There's just something about the innocence and cuteness of kindergarten that is so unique, but she is sooo excited to be a "big first grader" now.

Charlise is a complete NUT when we are waiting for Reha to either go in or come out of class. It's so funny how silly she is . . . I think she hams it up for all of the parents waiting with us. I had to get a picture since it's our last time . . . sniff.

I just had to put my camera over the gate and snap a picture, hoping to get Reha in it, buuuut wasn't successful. I still wanted to add it for the memory. Every day after school they sing {more like scream} their good-bye song. It goes, "Good-bye everybody, yes indeed. Yes indeed. Yes indeed. I'll see you on {next day} yes indeed. Yes indeed my darlin'." It's always so cute, and I'm bugged that I didn't think about taking a video . . . ahhh well. Live n learn.

Mrs. Jones cutting her kids loose. Reha, & one of her best friends, Natalia.

Her "award" for finishing kindergarten.

Reha, Sana, & Johanna . . . one last time as kindergartners. {Charlise can't STAND to be out of a picture . . . nerd haha}

Reha forgot the yearbook in class, so we had to go back in to get it . . . which was good because Mrs. Jones didn't get a chance during class to sign it. Reha is REALLY going to miss her! {Side note: yesterday they played a video of a bunch of pictures from the year, and Reha LOST it. Mrs. Jones thought she got hurt, because she was sobbing . . . she couldn't even talk, she could just point to the TV to explain why she was crying. Needless to say, her crying caused the rest of the girls to cry too . . . priceless.}

One last picture . . . sad . . .

Since Hannah just came out to the car after school I didn't get any last day pictures of her . . . I honestly didn't even think about it until I just uploaded the pictures from today and noticed she's not in any of them! Sorry Hannah!!

We had an eventful day. Yesterday Reha's fish died and she. was. heartbroken. I tried to flush her before Reha could see her dead, but she caught me right at the "flush." She just looked at me through the tears and said, "So you mean she's gone and I can never see her again? Just like Charish?! That's not fair." And while I never thought I would tear up over a stinky fish, I really had to choke back the tears a bit. It was like she was failed again and she was devastated. I felt so bad for her . . . I really thought she wouldn't mind too much . . . I was SO wrong. Soooo . . .

While I was almost glad to be done with a pet, we took a trip to the pet store today to pick out a new fish. The reason this last one died was because I was HORRIBLE about cleaning her bowl, so I told her we would try to find a tank that cleaned itself so I wouldn't mess up again.

On the way home from Pet Smart. {She really took her time choosing the right one}

And here she is in her new home. Her name . . . yes . . . Fancy Fish.

When we pulled up we were surprised with a big box on our doorstep. I ordered this ladybug for Charlise over a month ago and didn't know it was on it's way. And the best part . . . it was FREE! There's an online store called Franklin Goose that had a promotion in March, that if you reviewed their items they would pay you $5 for each review. It's been SO fun to shop with free money {credits} . . . and they let you use the credits to pay for shipping too!! Pure awesomeness!

Riding her new ladybug and LOVING it.

Gotta love her messy, "I'm ready for bed" hair.

{Almost} Done!!

{Tuesday} June 22, 2010

Today was the girls last full day of school . . . SO. great! I'm so so so ready for summer . . . i.e. movie nights, waking up and hanging out in jammies if we want, swimming, and just relaxing. I love when they're out of school, so I'm really excited to be able to spend more time with them doing things other than driving them to and from school and working on homework. I'm SOoooo ready . . . can ya tell?!

Hannah had her 3rd grade swim party field trip today. They walked over to the community pool down the street and swam from 9-12. When I was leaving to take Reha to school at 10:20 our neighbor, Steven {one of those neighbors who tries to know everything about everyone} ran out and told me to roll down my window so he could let me know that he was just over at the pool and saw Hannah accidentally drop her towel in the pool {that's my girl . . . niiiice and clumsy}. Luckily he caught me before I left so I could run her a new towel. Charlise & I sat with Steven's wife Emanuel for a while and watched her swim with her friends. She ended up getting fried even though we applied sunscreen before she left, then reapplied more when I got there to watch her . . . so annoying. Banana Boat, I will never buy your sunscreen again. You suck!

Hannah with some of her friends, Zara, Isabella, not sure, and not sure . . . der . . . I'll have to ask her.

Cannon ball!!!!

Hannah and Ms. Silva. What a great teacher!!

I've been realizing lately that I haven't taken many pictures of Reha at school this year. It has a lot to do with me not being able to help in her classroom, so I never think of bringing my camera to things . . . BAD mom! I took my camera this morning so that I could get a few pictures of her and her friends. She is SO excited that she'll be a "big first grader" after tomorrow. I'm just thrilled that they'll both be going all day so I wont be driving to and from school 4 times every day.

Reha & Johanna

Sana & Reha

Reha with some of her friends . . . plus a couple wannabe kindergartners . . . haha. Charly, Kylee, Ronan, Johannah, Reha, Kaylynn, Sana, & Mina

With some of the boys . . . hmm, not sure what their names are . . . BAD mom!!!

Every morning they line up at this wall and Mrs. Jones calls them in. I l.o.v.e how she greets each of them on the way in. She is fab.u.lous.

Wade gave me tonight to go out . . . so Amber & I were going to go to our regular restaurant, RA {deLISH} but she let me know this morning that her husband had to work late tonight, so I bagged it . . . until I realized that I should just ask another friend to go . . . asked Lindsay . . . husband working late. Asked Lynn . . . husband gone . . . WHA?! Come ON ladies! Give a pregnant chick a reason to indulge her craving!! {kidding}. So sadly, I gave up . . . but then thought it would be nice to go out with one of my girls. I almost never have one on one time with Hannah or Reha, and since Reha had her date with Wade last week I decided to take Hannah. I was SO excited to get my RA . . . until we got there and was told it would be a 40 minute wait. Boooo . . . I needed to get Hannah in bed at somewhat a decent hour, so we left and went to Boudin. It was a great dinner with great conversation . . .

On the way to Boudin the song "Where were You when the World Stopped Turning" came on the radio and it brought up 9/11 and how people felt afterwards . . . how everyone was kind to everyone else . . . how flags flew from everyone's car windows . . . and how {ultimately} when horrible things happen, there's always some good that happens as a result. We talked about how cool it is when you go through something tragic, how it brings people together . . . which of course led us to both think about our experiences this past 5+ months after Charish was taken from us. Hannah ended up saying, "I've been wondering why she had to die . . . I guess it had to happen so it could bring our family closer together." And while I don't know what the answer is to the big question, "WHY?" I'm thinking that her answer has brought her a little bit of peace . . . it's filled a little bit of her void, and that makes me happy. We talked about her a lot over dinner . . . shared our favorite memories of her, and talked about her heart condition. My girls are all getting checked for cardiomyopathy next month, so she talked about her fears of that . . . all in all it was a much needed talk that we both needed. We sat in Boudin and we both cried. It was nice to let her talk out her feelings more than she normally does with everyone around. It was a blessing that no one could go out tonight . . . I'm not sure if we would have been able to have that kind of talk otherwise. I LOVE her and her big heart. She is an amazing little girl, and I'm SO lucky to have her in my life . . . now to get her sisters to see what I see! They are all so sweet . . . I'm truly blessed.

A Disc Golf {Pro} in the Making

{Saturday} June 19, 2010

This morning the girls & I were nice & lazy while Wade went to work for a few hours. It's always nice to just be able to sit around with no schedule. When he got home we went shopping for a new suit and shirts for Wade . . . didn't find a suit unfortunately, he could really use one more. It's kind of hit & miss when you have to get your suits at places like Marshalls. We took a little break from shopping and had a late lunch at Chipotle {yumm-ness}, then took Hannah to a birthday party at her best friend, Ria's house. After we dropped her off we went to one more Marshalls store where Wade found a few dress shirts. Charlise fell asleep in the car {which was so great because she REALLY needed a nap . . . serious cranky pants}, so when we got stuck trying to find something else to do to enjoy the beautiful day, and Reha asked if we could go to the park and go disc golfing, I decided to just have them drop me & Charly off at home and they could go, just the two of them. I was glad he took my Flip camera so that he could catch a few videos of her, which he grabbed a couple of pictures from. She did a great job and had a ton of fun . . . this girl loves her daddy!